My life has been crazy busy this month and I can't even believe how fast everything seems to be flying by. Lately its been nothing but rehearsals, concerts, lessons, practice, teaching and school assignments non stop. No time to eat, sleep, and especially no time for the important people in my life.
We all have these maddening times where we become so overwhelmed with all the "important" things we have to do. So many things to do and places to be. As I was driving to school the other day, the thought occurred to me that I haven't done anything special for my boyfriend for a loooooong time. If I think that I'm busy, he's at least twice as busy as me, so finding time when our schedules actually match has been difficult to say the least! I'm really proud of him for working so hard and I see him excelling in every area of his life. It's a pretty amazing thing to see. So the idea that I hadn't been showing him how special he is to me really struck me because I was probably driving along thinking, "I'm not a priority, he doesn't love me, why doesn't he make time for me, blah, blah, blah," and then to think the exact opposite thought, "you are not making him a priority, you are not doing anything nice for him, he probably thinks you don't love him anymore," helped me see things differently. Whether or not that was the actual reality of the situation doesn't really matter (although I would never want him to feel that way!) but it woke me up to realize time was speeding by and I wasn't being there with someone I really love. So I got my hamster wheels turning on what to do and later on that week we had a really nice Friday night date.
When we get so overloaded with things to do in our lives we take the people we love for granted. We take for granted that they will still be here when we hardly spend any time with them. We take for granted that they are ok, that everything is fine and that one day we will have time for them. It's an awful way to think because we will never have time if we don't make time. Get your priorities straight. You don't always have time for a date night, you do always have 30 seconds to give your sweetie a hug and a kiss and tell them how wonderful they are and how much you appreciate them. Everyone needs to hear that from their partner. . . even if it might seem otherwise. The time that you have together is special, so be with them and look into their eyes. Tell them a joke and keep it light.
Is life all about toiling and meeting deadlines? What are we doing here on this planet? I don't think its to be a slave to money and maybe a job you're not that excited about. Who wants to be a slave when we actually have the power to choose what we want in our lives. We can choose how to live our lives and decide what's important. Little by little, that's what I am trying to do and it makes me a happier person for it.
The only person you're going to be stuck with for the rest of your life is yourself. Sometimes I feel like I'm my best friend and other times, not so much. What seems to bother me so much is what other people (especially those who are close to me) think about me. I really wish that I could just be me and not feel like I have to walk on egg shells around everyone else. I'm afraid to make people I love upset. I'm afraid that they might look down on me or see my imperfections. I think I ultimately just don't feel good enough sometimes. It's hard to always feel good about yourself especially when you so desperately want someone to love you and accept you while they always seem to see your imperfections. I know a lot of you out there feel similar--that we just want the people we love to always stay positively focused upon us. To pay attention to us and put down their cell phone. To tell us how wonderful and beautiful we are and to be there for us when we're down. To be a best friend who's there for you and be someone who you can confide in and trust.
I don't think we are actually capable of seeing the love and attention that is being given to us when we are in the mindset of lack. Or the mindset of fear, doubt or low self confidence. How can you grow with someone if you're living in the fear of not being good enough? How can you give anything to your relationship or job if you don't think you are good enough? It's like a self sabotage. If you already have something, then you must be good enough to have it. It's that sick mental state that turns the hamster wheels of doubt and fear which might lead you to lose the thing you have. Seeing everything through that lens means the actions you take are based on doubt and fear. Over time, you have built your life to reflect the beliefs you have through your thoughts and actions. This is how mind creates reality.
If you weren't worthy to be here, then you wouldn't exist. You exist, therefore you are worthy of anything that existence has to offer.
Back to judging yourself. Who exactly are you to judge yourself as being good enough? Do you have an infinite knowledge and understanding by which to compare yourself to the rest of the world? Are there multiple "you's" running around with healthier bodies, and smarter minds, and happier relationships, and more fulfilling jobs? No. Then you can't compare yourself to others because they are not you. You do not know what other people's lives are like. You do not know what their experience of reality is. You are the absolute ONLY you that there will ever, ever be in this entire universe and any other universe. You are sooooo incredibly special.
You are a different you every single second just by the thoughts you are thinking and the actions you are taking on those thoughts. You are not the you you were yesterday. You are not the you you were when you woke up this morning. The power lies within you now. Decide how you are going to view yourself. Decide how you are going to live your life. If you want to be beautiful you need to start seeing the beauty you already have. If you want to be happy, let go of the mental garbage of beliefs that are making you unhappy. When you start to think negatively...STOP, and ask yourself who is saying this to me? Why am I deciding to believe this? If I decided to believe the opposite thought, would that be so bad? What if I just gave that person a break and saw the situation through a different lens.
If you think you know what someone else really thinks about you...think again. You are perceiving your version of them! You cannot understand them, to understand them, you would have to be them. You are experiencing them through your own perspective. So if you think you are not good enough, everything this person does will make you feel taken for granted, unappreciated, unloved, ugly, stupid, etc., but see those are your thoughts. You are choosing to think them. The hamster wheels are turning furiously!
Compassion. We are all human and none of us are perfect except for that the fact that we are perfect in our imperfections. You have to love yourself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. It's a hard thing to do and I am struggling with it myself, but just take a moment to remember these words and think outside of the situation. And give yourself a hug because you reeeeally need one. : )